Nobody

Hello my name is Nobody. Well, Nobody care. I'm a very messed up girl. I don't know what I want most of the times. And well at times I know exactly what I want. I don't have manicured nails or hair that falls perfectly but I still stay happy nevertheless. 

Everyday is like this new chapter to this huge book that I'm writing known as life. Well, everyone here wants to know what I'm doing or what my plans for the future are. Not because they care but because they are curious. It gives me a topic to Gossip about. So I am supposed to know what I am doing. But I don't. I don't think anyone does. I can try to be strong, and smart and sharp. But we all know that we're lying we say we have it all planned and under control because we don't. Almost no one does. We are just scared to admit it. Anyways. We can't be what we are, because we're always so fixated on the fact that we want to be something, someone else. Sometimes to please others, sometimes to please ourselves. I do it too. I'm no different. I preach for things I fall short of. And I'm not perfect. But I try. And I'm getting familiar with the fact of life that God has some completely different plans for us, you know. Hard accept.eh?

I'm weak. Sometimes strong on the surface, sometimes hollow till the end. I'm jealous, I'm scared of losing the ones I love. I fight for the wrong causes, and insane reasons. Somehow I understand things that aren't important and I am totally clueless about the "important" things in life. Yes I used inverted commas because important things is a relative term. no? Whats important to me might not be of much importance to you. (Well mostly people find the thing that is important for me to be very vague but anyways)  I try loving, I fail at it. I try being the best that I can, sometimes it's a good day, other are on the weather. But I never give up. I keep on going at it.

I make decisions, knowing the consequences. Consequences, of which I'm not very sure of. Hell I'm not even sure if my decisions are right or not. But I make them anyway, mostly because I have always believed in two things Hope and Faith. I guess if anyone has these, anyone can go anywhere. I guess I'll keep "hoping" I won't lose "faith" in that. Anyways, decisions are never right or wrong, one makes the decision right or wrong after taking it (by that I mean your work does)

I like to runaway all the times, mostly because I don't know what to do. But I I avoid it as far as possible because running away isn't the solution. Being a coward to reality is being fake through out. Sometimes I sacrifice things I want because losing what is on the other end of the line is much more important and I can't bear that. People maybe. The ones I love. Though they don't appreciate it always. That's when I get to regretting my decisions. Sometimes I don't sacrifice, because I always wonder does the other person feel the same way too? That's what I call intuitions. I guess someday I'll find out, and if not, I was never suppose to and move on.

I'm not wise enough to make strong decisions. I need someone to guide me always. I always have someone or the other for that. For that I'm thankful. Then are these times too when I dont have a single person but that's life right? But is it ever enough? I guess not. The decisions I make are based on emotion and not rationale. Then again, I was always about the earlier, latter is just faux pas. But without decisions being made, there won't ever be any conclusions. And I always like to see the end of things.

I'm scared I'm gonna lose everything I stand for. Everything I have worked for. Everything I care about, and everything I have done to protect and grow. And maybe I will. It has happened before. It hurts, it breaks me down, and it shatters me. I shut down for a while. But it's never enough to stop me. Because if I am not afraid of losing somethings in life, I'll never have them. And I anyways end up losing most of the things I love. Then fall for other things, though I am not denying that it takes time to move on.

I'm the not "rightest" person to be judged, mostly because you'll judge me wrong. Maybe you'll think I'm a nice girl - I guess I'm not. Maybe otherwise. But all in all, I'm sure, someday, somehow I'll know what I want, and I'll be a better me. And till then that is what I will try to be.